Can i not drive my cunt home
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
