she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
