i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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