Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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