I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
