I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
