I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I want to fling myself into the sun
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
