Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Randomize