She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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