woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
