remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
