I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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