He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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