I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize