Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
