I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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