I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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