it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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