The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
