I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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