Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
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