So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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