Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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