My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
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