i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
