im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
