When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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