Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Randomize