Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
If its not for food we ain't going out.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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