I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
