I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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