I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
