Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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