I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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