I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize