You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
