I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
