My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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