thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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