Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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