Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
