how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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