im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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