my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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