My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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