end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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