Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
