The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
