I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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