nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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