I need to stop coming to work sober
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
