Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
