I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
