I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
