I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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