I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
