she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
