Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize