Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
